random writings

un-balanced

Someone got me a little perpetual calendar that I have sitting in my classroom. It’s called something like 365 Daily Prayers for Teachers. I flipped through some days this week after forgetting to change it for a while. Here’s what I saw:

Wow…that’s interesting. I’d just been talking recently about how I’ve been needing some rest or I’m going to get burned out.

Hmmm… that’s kinda weird. Sounds a lot like the first one. And a lot like what I need. I am not relating right now to that whole “moments of peace” thing though.

Um, okay….I’m getting a little freaked out now. Yes, I am feeling overwhelmed, to say the least. Todd and I had just been talking about me asking another teacher (someone who I think is “with it” but doesn’t work 5 million extra hours every week) to help me figure out what’s going on and why I can’t seem to stop feeling like my head is barely above water.

This is what I have to keep in mind. I do love what I do. I’m good at it (usually) and I get to show love to lots of kids every day. So why am I feeling so out of sorts right now? I can’t seem to get my groove or feel like I’m doing anything right. Anything. I was praying today, asking God to let me know if I’m fretting about all this for no reason. After all, He made me to be a teacher. Of that there is no doubt. He changed my mind about what it means to be a mother, so maybe I just needed Him to change my mind about what it means to be a teacher. So I was starting to ask Him to calm my heart about all of this. I just have to work hard, because I don’t want anything less for this kids than what I give them every day. In fact I would really like a whole lot more for them. They deserve it. It’s what I was made to do, so I just need to find peace with the fact that this is what it takes to make it happen, right?

Then it dawned on me, a verse that Todd and I speak of often when we are facilitating an FPU class. It’s a proverb that says the blessing of the Lord makes your life rich, and there is no sorrow added to it. Now that’s the KLC paraphrased version of course, but that last line is a quote. The things God blesses me with will make my life rich, and there is now sorrow added to it. The opposite of sorrow is joy. So If my circumstances are what God has blessed me with to enrich my life, then why is there a lack of joy? Why is there continual sorrow because of feeling like I’m always letting someone down or not doing anything well enough (or well at all?) Why am I exhausted and frazzled instead of refreshed and calm? I know that everyone goes through periods of unrest, but this has turned into a lifestyle for me. My overall, underlying sense of joy hasn’t surfaced in a while. Instead, those ugly cousins, discontent and confusion, have shown their nasty faces, and they’re kind of all I seem to see lately. I feel like if this is the way things keep up, I’m not going to last as a teacher. I’m just not cut out for feeling that my life is so unbalanced all the time.

Then today, although I don’t have a picture to share, my next message came in the form of a little slip of fortune-cookie paper:

Joyfulness will prolong your days.

Yeah, I kinda figured that.

I would really appreciate your prayers. I feel so imbalanced. Every time I walk out of my school after a 12 hour day and see my lone car in the parking lot, all I can hear is LOSER in my head. Especially when my car was also the first one in the parking lot that day. **SIGH**

God, search me. Show me what the problem is. Is it You convicting me or am I or my enemy just condemning myself? Please shine your light on this for me, so I can see what’s hanging out there in the dark that I can’t get in touch with. In the meantime, protect my husband and I, as this has opened up a door an invited in every manner of attack against us. Every little thing is getting to us and that’s not who we are at all.

Wisdom, please.

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