How about we have a little share time, shall we?
Here’s a list of some of the things I’ve heard being said to me this week:
- You’re too much to deal with.
- No one takes you seriously.
- Why bother? You’re just going to go back to the same old crap.
- No one really even knows you
- Why would anyone care what you have to say?
- Wait until they all find out you don’t really know what the hell you’re talking about.
- You’re never going to be anything other than some fat chick.
- You can’t do anything right.
- Apparently the only thing you know how to do right is to eat.
- You talk too much.
- No one cares about your issues.
- You’re not even a good friend.
- You always expect too much.
- You will always be let down.
- Why are you such a fake?
- You’re so embarrassing.
- If you were more [fill in the blank with 100 different things] that wouldn’t be a problem.
- You bring this all on yourself
- You should feel sorry for yourself
- Your husband isn’t interested in what you have to say. No one is, remember?
- No one really notices you or cares to.
- Failure is all you have going on.
- Why do you have to be so needy all the time?
- You are such a freakin’ loser.
- You’re ridiculous, thinking some God cares about your issues.
- If you really believed in that anyway, wouldn’t you be a little better by now?
- You’ve always screw everything up.
- Can’t you do just one thing right?
- Get yourself together.
- What is wrong with you?
- Why do you always have to say something?
- Just keep your mouth shut, no one wants to hear it
- You’re a joke
- You’re never going to be good enough
- You haven’t changed a bit.
Here are some other (more pleasant!) things that were also said to me this week:
- I love you
- You’re the bomb
- You’re an awesome teacher
- You’re beautiful
Now these two lists are actual things that went through my mind this week. Some were literally said to me out loud. Most were things that I heard in my own mind. I don’t share these thoughts so everyone can be like “oh, don’t worry, none of that is true” or anything like that. In fact, I’m not trying to have a pity party at all. I had been trying to earlier this week, but quite frankly right now I am just pissed off.
You see, it dawned on me yesterday that these things have been rolling around in my mind all week. I mean, everyone thinks a negative thought about themselves every now and then, but I have literally been bombarded with negative, self-loathing whispers in my ears all day and night since I woke up Monday morning. I began just thinking I was “in a funk” like I occasionally get in to. Just one of those “off” kind of days. But then the next day and the next day were the same and it just seems to be getting worse.
What is the deal!?
Today it clicked. When I was again hearing the 556,345,234,0293 things about myself that were hideous and awful, I reminded myself to stop and just try to think of all the positive things that had been said to me this week. The 4 listed above were truly all I could recall.
I am not a miserable, unhappy person. In fact, I am one of the happiest, upbeat folks I know. My life is pretty great, actually. I have a wonderful husband, a job that I love and I’m excited to start up again soon, we don’t want for anything, I have wonderful friends who I love spending time with, a church I am proud to be a part of and I get to live the rest of my life as a new creation because of my relationship with God. So..seriously, why would I be hearing all of these loathesome things about myself?? I don’t worry much but I was starting to…Why am I hearing/thinking all these things about myself? Are they true? Do I just think I am happy? Am I really unhappy deep down and these things are starting to come to the surface? I had a momentary thought to that effect, but then quickly shook that off started to get mad because I saw it. I saw that ugliness for what it really was.
I already know that the enemy of God –my enemy– is like a lion prowling around, seeking whom he may devour. How does he try to devour me? With accusation. With lies. He is the father of all lies and just as God can only speak truth because He is Truth, our enemy can only speak lies because he in himself is nothing but deceit. That’s a sad existence. No wonder he wants to beat us down with lies…to make us just as miserable as He is.
So, I began to do what I know we need to do to overcome our accuser:
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters
has been thrown down to earth—
the one who accuses them
before our God day and night.
And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb
and by their testimony. -Revelation 12:10-11
I started to say out loud all the facts that I know about myself…that I am a new creation in Christ Jesus, that the old things have passed away, and the new has come about….that I am now called a child of God and I’ve been adopted into His family and He gives me my identity. I started to combat those nasty lies with the truth… spoken out loud, and in-his-face with an attitude that I know I can afford to have because the God of all creation literally has my back.
But as soon as that flood of words began, I realized that they were being used more for my own self-comfort than they were for weaponry this time. There is something to speaking truth aloud, don’t get me wrong…it is powerful. Many things have been conquered by the Word. But when scripture says to us that “they [all of my brothers and sisters] have defeated him [the accuser] by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony,” That means it has already been done. That means that they have defeated the accuser simply by having the blood of the lamb (their covering in Jesus) upon them. They have defeated the accuser simply by their testimony…by the life they now life in Christ, imperfect but new, and being made more like Him every day.
Just by us being one of the brothers or sisters of Jesus, we can be sure our accuser is already defeated. So even though I felt like a big fat failure this week…even though last night I went to bed feeling sure that somehow I had let a friend down… even though I see myself not being the best version of me I could be… the fact is that I have already defeated the accuser who keeps coming at me with false accusations, or by taking the true not-so-great moments in my life and twisting them to sound like they are actually who I am rather than just some dumb stuff I’ve momentarily done. I just need to remember that I have already defeated the accuser, even if he does stand day and night ready to continue accusing me.
“You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.” -1 John 4:4
I know who I am. And I know Who is in me.